Will You Listen, and then be free?

I am listening to Cat Brain Land by Melt-Banana, slight back ache, doing prep for next year at college. Thunderstorms all morning and I woke up at noon feeling like mold. 

I am feeling alright. I will do myself well this year.

No more picking.

Good student.

Exercise regular.

No food extravagance.

Self-confidence.

High standards for the company I keep.

Being responsible.

Challenging myself.

That's what my dad tried to help me with, and what I owe myself.

Love, 

elie

Traditions

I've filled out two of these the first two years of my blog. I thought it would be ceremonious to steal it from Bonny again.

 

1)  What did you do this year that you'd never done before?

Went to another country on my own, puked from drinking, come on I can think of good things, drew portraits of other people from life, learned some Korean, stuff like that.

2)Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

 I don't think I had a New Year's resolution last year, unless it was something like eat vegetable exercise and do your hw, in which case I didn't really. Oh wait shit I remember last New Years... wow...No I don't think I had a resolution. I think the idea is sort of silly. Just get self-discipline.

3) Did anyone near you give birth?

Mrs. Snow! Welcome to the world Owen.

4) Did anyone near you die?

No.

5)What countries did you visit?

 NL, CA

6)What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year?

 A's, clear arms, solid relationships with the people close to me.

7)What date from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

I don't usually remember dates, and if so I only remember the good important ones, so I can't think of one right now...

8)What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Senior Project!

9)What was your biggest failure?

School and Matthew.

10) Did you suffer injury or illness?

Not really, my health is very robust.

11) What was the best thing you bought?

My study permit to Canada.

12)Whose behavior merited celebration?

Barack Obama!

13)Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Bush and co.

14) Where did most of your money go?

Food I didn't realize I shouldn't have been able to afford...And now just food.

15)What did you get really, really, really excited about?

College, the election, finishing school, lots of things.

16)What song will always remind you of this year?

There's probably like 15 of them that I don't want to list.

17)Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. Happier or sadder?

Sadder, wiser?

ii. Thinner or fatter?

Probably fatter.

iii. Richer or poorer?

College=poor

Also that series didn't help the sadder part.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Taking care of and calling the people I care about, homework on time.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

Things that made me feel bad about who I was. 

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my family.

21 has mysteriously been deleted...

22. Did you fall in love this year?

I swam badly through love.

23. Has also mysteriously been deleted fancy that.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Venture Bros.!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Not for any good reason, no.

26. What was the best book you read?

Ah tough. Fifth Business was really good...Also read a bunch of poetry that was really good recently...Norwegian Wood was good...I feel like I'm forgetting some obvious best book. Fuck. 

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Does Othello count?

Mogwai

28. What did you want and get?

Lots of books, a fleece, earrings, chocolate, stuff like that.

29. What did you want and not get?

meh...Nothing really.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Donnie Darko was really good. English Patient also...

31. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I was eighteen and I went to see Radiohead. Totally incredible.

32. What one thing would have made you year immeasurably more satisfying? 

There are things I would undo. Less drama on the whole would have been good too.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept this year?

This question makes me feel like maybe I'm doing something wrong with my life. Is that a fashion concept?

34. What kept you sane?

Good synapses har har. Friends, books, Matt.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

uhhh Jesus.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

I guess I'm sort of inert. If anything did disturb me it was torture and the economy.

37. Who did you miss?

I'm a creature who misses creatures.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

My roommate and other people at college.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson that you learned this year.

Several things:

-It's relieving to be honest, but not always the best solution.

-Never drink to feel better, it doesn't work.

-It's okay that feelings can be complicated.

-Get it while you can.

-Don't make problems.

-You have to keep your opportunities open.

-Poetry is ill.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up the year:

This is really hard...

"We cannot have/ all things to please us/ no matter how we try/ until we've all gone to Jesus/ we can only wonder why" -- Gillian Welch on buddhism...

Love and Merry Christmas,

Elie

An Update

Hi...

It's been a long time, I know. I just wanted to post this link and say that yes, I am alive, and I may come back to the land of light soon. I'm not sure how much I'll have to say at that point. I'm not sure what the function of this blog has become since I started it four years ago yesterday, as I just found out. Going over old posts is strange. I can hear myself running through adolescence into late adolescence, where I've been mostly writing for myself and my close friends, who are kind enough to indulge me. I'm not sure what I believe in or what I want to do with myself. A lot is better with me and my family and my situation and some things are worse. But everything is alright. 

Until we meet again, all my love, 

Elie.

Privacy

I have gone into hiding for the time being. 

I will emerge eventually. Until then, no more life-based posts, maybe just some links and stuff. We'll see. 

Love, 

Elie

Click this link

CLICK THIS LINK

In the future I will refrain from using all caps but I really mean it this time.

Changes

I'm finally getting used to college. Just earlier this week I felt like I was living in the present moment, not on vacation from some past reference point. I'm also starting to make friends and do things that make me happy. It's a good situation. I know all my friends must be making new friends too... I was talking to my new friends about the guilt associated with making new friends-- as though you're "replacing" your old friends. But life is always in flux, and I can't expect to keep people and situations the same. Would you rather know only twenty in your whole life, and never meet anyone new, or only meet every person once?

Getting more towards the elusive adulthood, I've also been thinking about death. This much isn't new. So many people I know, and I myself, act as though they're waiting for something. What are we waiting for? I'm not waiting to be enlightened. I'm not waiting to fall in love. I'm not waiting for a second chance. I'm not waiting for my kids to grow up. I'm not waiting to succeed and I'm not waiting to be inspired. I'm not waiting for Jesus. I'd like to think that I'm always ready and I'm always the person I'm happy to be, somebody not perfect but good enough. 

I cooked a marvelous dinner tonight, the most difficult I've ever cooked: Ginger Chicken Masala and Apple Cobbler. My friends said it was so good, and we drank wine and ate and had three desserts. It made me happy to have succeeded, but also to see everyone having fun together around a table. I made Pakistani food because I met this kid at Swing Kids last night who was almost convinced that all Americans are ignorant and nationalistic, as he'd met a few who didn't know where Pakistan was or anything about it. Ironically, he had been eating almost all McDonald's food for three weeks. 

It's said that people are happiest when doing things for other people. 

I've also heard it said that we have to start by fixing ourselves. 

What a ridiculous idea. 

Love, 

Elie

Facebook

I hope that in the future Facebook can be read as a comprehensive social history for its time period. The interpretative, subject experience and every network's information will prove an invaluable historical source. If only the rights to the information were kept public. Every biography would be complete, showing relationships, subjective periods ( between large personal change) and social trends. Although we stumble through understanding our new internet selves, it's astounding what a perceptive network of information we've created. Imagine every human accumulating an accurate profile and history, through his own actions. This is the discomfort and doubt we contend with; that our profiles, if we choose to keep them, will accrue the story of our whole lives; possible not as we would see them ourselves. 

We have found a second, closer way to perceive what we were already doing. From the point of view of recording our whole lives, we imagine the perception that any given person may have of us, if it were derived from a standardized source of information. Wondering what they would think of us if they knew all our facebook information. So we see ourselves through  a projected "other's" eyes, measuring more honestly who we believe ourselves to be. 

No wonder the prevalence of facebook is a tough topic. By using the website we become complicit in creating a record of our social lives, no matter how exactly we conduct those lives.